I'll be back later

I have been too sad to write lately. I will be back later. I do love those of you who read my blog. That is assuming that anyone reads it at all.....

Just

Just the tilt of your head

Just the faintest smile or

The way a lock of hair

Falls on your neck.

Just the slightest brush

Of your hand,

The image of your face

In my mind

And the exquisite brown

Of your eyes,

These capture my heart

With invisible strands

Of pure love.

I present myself to you

With a willing heart and

With open arms

I invite you

Inside my soul.

Friday Morning

You've spoiled mornings for me,

No longer can I remain oblivious

To the morning.

I awoke this morning reaching

And the blanket didn't hug back.

No warmth this morning.

I called your office this morning

And the voice said,

She's not here today.

Now I sit here writing pointless lines

Beside a frigid telephone.

I missed you this morning.

Breath

Her voice

Just her voice

The love in her voice

The timbre

The cadence

The joy

Of her voice.

Let me live in it

Sleep with it

Bathe in it.

Just her voice

Her breath

Let me inhale it

Become one with it

Use it for my songs

My breath

And hers

Coupled.

Horizontal Dance

Twisting and turning

Tangling the sheets

Half off the bed

Half out of my mind

Wholly in love with you.

Clenching the pillow

Holding my breath

Half on the bed

Calling your name

Almost to heaven

With you.

Woman fragrance

Fills the room

A mixture of passion

Blended by two,

The magic elixir of

Me plus you.

Love Stuff

For the next few days my blog will contain poems about love...if you are offended by such things please don't read them. For the rest of you (I am pretending that a lot of people read my blog) I hope you enjoy them. I believe that love is love is love, no matter what form it takes and is certainly not restricted by gender, age, or any other human concocted prohibition. Besides, this is my blog and I will put whatever I feel is important to me. I am not sure why I am feeling so paranoid about this...maybe just old insults are surfacing. Anyway......

So You Will Know

This is to those who have loved me so well in this life. It is a little mushy but I am just that way. Maybe I just want the last word! If any one shows up at my memorial service please read this. Now don't get excited, I'm talking about the far future not soon!

Know that I have taken your love with me

And I have left my love here

To always be beside you.

When I go

I will be in the summer breeze

That caresses your skin,

The cloud that softens the heat of the sun

On your brow,

The glint of light on river waters

And the sound of night birds outside your window.

I will be in the love that smiles gently

When you stumble,

And the laughter of children when they play,

In the purr of a kitten,

And in the rhythm of my poetry.

I will live in the sweetest note of music you hear.

If you must cry

Then let your tears water the garden in your heart.

Remember how to smile after your tears

And know I will always love you.

The essence of my being

Will never leave you

But will simply join with you.

These things will be true when I die

But now I live

And I hope I live better each day.

The love you have given me

Has made me a person who knows how to love

And I have loved you all so much.

When I go I will have lived,

Truly lived.

Thank you so much for being my teachers

And the light upon my path.

What a journey it has been!

I will see you on the next playground!

Laura

What have you done?

My life was figured out,
All neatly tucked in at the corners

With no loose ends,

And no stray threads,

All sewed up.

I knew exactly who I was,

What I liked

And who I would spend my life with.

Now I must examine myself.

With only a smile and

A warm hand in mine,

You have toppled my world

And shaken me

To my very foundation.

And you don't even know it.

You may never know

Because I may never have enough

Courage to tell you.

What have you done?

Love doesn't ask permission to enter.

It slips in under the door,

Around the corner,

Or through the open window

Left raised by loneliness

It comes like a daydream

Finally realized,

Or a fairy tale

So familiar since childhood.

What did you do?

I suspect that you have just been you

And that is your transgression.

Backyard

I arose early this morning,

A whole lot earlier than I wanted to.

You know how it is,

Rough night at work

Too tired to sleep peacefully

A few hours spent

Fitfully sleeping

With reality mixed in with my dreams

I finally just gave up on sleeping

And resentfully started the day.

I did all the morning things,

Coffee pot on first of course,

Then armed with my first cup

The dogs and I went outside.

They, of course, were gleefully bouncing

Happy to be let out,

Happy to be dogs.

They kept inviting me to join the fun

But I refused.

Too much to think about,

Serious stuff you know.

Besides, I was way too grouchy

To play dog games.

Maybe it was the coffee kicking in

And maybe it was something much stronger

But as I sat nursing my coffee

I saw the first blush of sunrise

On the eastern sky

And then a mockingbird

Came to sing his sweet song

And even I couldn't ignore the wonder

Of this peaceful kingdom

Our backyard...

I sat there and thanked God

For bouncing dogs

And mockingbird songs

And for you.

I missed you this morning

For My Little Brothers

Angry words said, disguised with a smile

Criticizing other people for things they can't change

Upraised fists, proclaiming wars

Fighting for causes in battles that will never end

Eyes that don't see

Ears that will never hear

Minds that do not comprehend

This my children is your world

The words you speak may determine it's course

The battles you choose can either be for the good of mankind

Or to destroy it

I pray you will not close your eyes to others

Perhaps you will be able to hear the voices

Of the poor and suffering

Maybe you will develop your minds and not let them lie fallow

I'm sorry I cannot give you a better world

Perhaps you will make it better.

This was written when my brothers were just little boys. Being their big sister, I always felt responsible for them and at the time I wrote this I was feeling like I should have been able to help them a lot more than I could. Little did I know that the last line of the poem would be a wish that would come true. They have made the world better in so many ways. They are both fine young men and I am so very proud of them. I only wish that our Mom could see them now, she would be so proud of them too. Come to think of it she probably does see them and I know it must make her happy.

Letters To Gracie # 15

I know you are afraid

To share the truth about your life

With other people.

I know you fear their judgement

And I know you are afraid

They won't even believe you.

The things that happened to you

Shouldn't be true, but they are.

You suffered so much

And you buried your pain for so long.

I feel you shying away from the pain,

From the horror of speaking the words.

Don't be afraid little one,

You are safe.

I believe you and I know your pain is real,

I feel it.

The memory of that terrible hurt lingers on

But it is in the past.

No one will ever hurt you like that again

Because I will protect you.

There is so much power

In speaking the words.

So much healing in the telling

To understanding ears.

Release the secret.

Others too have felt pain like yours

And they will honor your courage.

Go and tell your story,

The story of your pain,

Of your progress,

Of your healing.

Share your pain and your hope,

Share the joy of becoming free.

Go with courage.

I will hold your hand.

Letters To Gracie # 14

I hope you like this new house.

It has lots of trees

And a big yard,

There is a screened porch

For all the pretty plants you love so much

And there are flower beds

Just waiting for seeds to be planted.

Best of all it is ours!

A real home at last.

You were uprooted so many times so

I know that having a home

Means everything to you.

Security is important

And I will do everything I can

To make this a happy and secure place.

I can't wait to fill the kitchen

With smells of baking!

I know how much you loved gingerbread

Grandma's house smelled so good.

Maybe security smells like gingerbread.

Letters To Gracie # 13

It is through your eyes

That I can see the wounded children

Inside so many of the adults around me.

The adult part of me

Tends to judge them too harshly.

That jaded part of me doesn't see others

With the empathy of children.

It is only when I tap into your understanding

Of the pain endured in childhood

That I am able to reach out to them

With love and compassion.

I know this is a gift

Born of your suffering.

Only because of your pain

Do I understand the pain of others.

When they strike out

It isn't really at me

But at those old spectors of the past.

I too have had my times of striking out blindly

At the wrong people.

Let me not judge those around me with a hard heart.

Let me see through a childs eyes

With a clear vision and a tender heart.

Letters To Gracie # 12

You have opened my eyes

To the beauty around me.

Now that I'm able to see

I realize how very blind I have been.

I have spent a long time

Just looking down

At my shoes,

Avoiding others eyes,

Focusing on old visions,

Scary pictures of the past.

Today I noticed that the trees

Are budding tiny new leaves.

Today was a rainy day

And the air smelled freshly washed.

Thank you for this new gift of sight.

I wonder what I will see tomorrow.

Letters To Gracie # 11

I have been having a dream

Over and over.

The dream is about a baby

That I have forgotten to feed

And it becomes lost to me.

In the dream I search frantically

But to no avail,

The baby cannot be found.

Have I been neglecting you?

Even in my asking

I know...I have.

What do you need from me?

Is it safety and trust?

Is it my attention and love?

We haven't played in a long time.

Maybe we need to play.

Is that how your spirit is nurtured?

To play requires a child-likeness

With which I am not familiar.

Can you teach me how to play?

Letters To Gracie # 10

I want you to be free

To be a child,

To play all you want.

I know there was a time

When you were forced

To be more grown up

Than you knew how to be.

Now you have a parent

Who is responsible

So now you can be

The sweet and playful child you are.

Letters To Gracie # 9

I have ignored your feelings of sadness

And I am sorry,

You deserve so much more.

You have a right to your sadness

As well as your joy.

I will become willing to experience

Those uncomfortable feelings

So you don't have to hide anymore.

Embrace you pain

And I will embrace you.

Letters To Gracie # 8

You are really good at making friends.

Your sincerity and sweetness

Draws people to you.

Thank you

For bringing all these wonderful people

Into my life.

Teach me to be a friend,

Show me how to have a gentle nature

And a loving heart.

Re: Letters To Gracie # 7

Years ago, when I was first writing these poems and was also deep into therapy, I truly felt that my childhood person and my adult person were different people. Not in the sense of having different personalities but that my child and my adult had been severed from each other. As an adult I did anything I could to not feel the pain of childhood. This took me down many dark side streets until I was almost totally lost. When I was 27 years old I finally came to a crossroad where I had to either face the pain of my life or abandon myself to it. I chose to face it but it sure wasn't easy. The child in me didn't trust my adult self to do the right thing anymore. Today my life is much different and I am trustworthy to myself and for those I love. The journey isn't over and I still have to work on my life but today I can say that I want to feel all my feelings. It beats the alternative of mental, emotional, and spiritual numbness.

Letters To Gracie # 7

My feelings are frozen today

And since you are the keeper of my feelings

I am coming to you to understand why.

Are you afraid today?

Are you scared that if you feel sadness

No one will be there for you

To cry with?

I'll do my best to be there for you

And if we need help

I will find someone we can trust.

I need your help to be me

Without this mask that I wear.

I need to take down this wall

Between me and the world

And I think you need me so you can feel safe.

Please trust that God loves you.

Letters To Gracie #6

I know that loud people scare you.

What I want you to know

Is that I will take care of you

And protect you always.

When people are angry and loud

It is because they need to be loved

And they don't know how to ask.

We will ask God to show them love

And to heal their hearts.

Letters To Gracie #5

I know you feel sad
And I also know
That you are afraid
To show your pain.
No one will laugh if you cry
Crawl up here in my lap
And snuggle close.
I'll hold you for as long as you like.

Losing a friend is so hard

But please remember

That you told her how much you loved her

And she will carry your love

Back to heaven

Where it will be amplified

Forever and ever.

Letters To Gracie # 4

What do you think about God?

I would really like for you to tell me

What you know

For I believe you are much wiser

In this matter than I am.

Don't let the world change your idea

Of God.

When I am in touch

With your innocence

I feel that I have perceived God.

Teach me about the God of love.

Teach me about the God of chilren.

Letters To Gracie # 3

What do you want to be

When you grow up?

Do you want to be

A ballerina,

A truck driver,

A teacher,

Or a mother?

Do you want to be

A scientist,

A cowgirl,

An astronaut,

Or a gardener?

Maybe you will write stories

Or perhaps you will be a lion tamer.

Whatever fits you is OK.

No matter what you become

Stay you...

And be happy!

Letters To Gracie #2

Do you have any secrets?

What are the things you have hidden?

I am here to listen

And I need to hear the secrets.

I won't judge you

You have always been precious

And you always will be.

No matter what your secrets might be

Share your pain with me.

I'm big enough

And loving enough

To take care of you.

You don't have to hide anymore.

Tell me your secrets,

I have all the time in the world

To listen.

Re: Letters To Gracie

For the next couple of weeks I will be posting "Letters To Gracie" which I originally wrote about fifteen years ago. These are letters to my inner child. They are a little corny and sappy. The purpose was to heal that part of me that was so damaged in childhood . I believe many people are damaged by childhood experiences. Perhaps I can reach some one else who needs to begin the healing process. It is in this spirit that I share them with you.

Letters to Gracie #1

Sweet baby girl

Glorious child of my heart

Play all you wish,

Dream all your dreams,

Sleep peaceful, undisturbed.

I'll watch over you,

Keep you safe,

Encourage you,

Compliment you and

Affirm you.

Be silly if you wish.

Ask questions by the score.

Cry when you're sad,

Be as loud as you please.

No one will reprimand you,

No one will shame you,

Just be you,

A wonderful bright and loving child

Me.

Open

Into the center of my soul

In the very vortex

Of my being

You have

Entered

Through the door of my heart

You have slipped inside

And you now play

In the garden

Of my spirit

How is it that you so quickly

Gained admission

To my heart

To my soul

To me?

Perhaps I always knew

You were coming

And left the door

Open for

You.

Hope

I have a vision of children

Rising up from barren landscapes

All over the world.

Out of war and poverty

Out of inner-city violence

And the corruption of suburban hell.

Out of suppression of spirits

Out of drugs and gang wars

Out of abuse

And attempted murder of the soul.

Children finally knowing their own worth,

Children of all ages and colors

Playing together,

The reasons for war forgotten.

I see children who have survived

Against unbelievable odds,

Whole and complete.

The old terrors exchanged

For a vision of light and love.

Glorious children with newly unfurled wings,

Angels with slight limps

From long ago insults on their souls,

Rising up once again.

Children ascending,

Children transformed,

Children of the world,

A vision

A hope

A possible future.

For Amber

I wrote this about my daughter who is probably responsible for me becoming a loving and giving person and certainly a much better citizen of the world.

What would I have been without you?
Who would I have been?
I would have certainly been more free
To go where I wanted,
To do what I wanted.
But would I have been better,
Would I have really been free?
I had so many demons
So much selfishness.
I was so inwardly turned and
So self pitying,
So filled with shame
How could I have survived being me
Without you?

Oh yes, the self pity grew
When you first came.
What did I do to deserve this?
My God, a handicapped child,
How could I live with this?
But you were you,
Very persistent with your magic.
The way you loved me
Taught me to love everyone,
Even me.
You made me more
Than I could have ever been
Without you.

Sure, maybe I would have done many things.
Things that I thought were important
If I hadn't been your mother.
I might have been a really good writer
Except with my shallowness
I would have had nothing to say.
I could have been almost anything,
But I lacked the spirit to even try
Until you.
I couldn't fight for my own place in the world
Until I had to fight for the world to accept you.
I might never have learned the really important things
Had I not been forced to learn them by you.

Yes, I think what might I have been
Where might I have gone
What might I have done?
Sometimes it scares me to think about it.
I suspect I would have been much less
Because without you
I couldn't be me.
I thank God for sending me a teacher.

Running Home

I think this would make a pretty good country song. It is kinda mushy and probably would sound best in a twangy voice. I wrote it about ten years ago. Tell me what you think.

We've got to hurry, get up and start the day,

Get the kids to school and get on our way.

There are mountains to climb

So much to do

But baby remember

I'll come running home to you.

The world is calling, work to be done

People to see, battles to be won.

There are bills to be paid

Trials to go through

But baby remember

I'll come running home to you.

And I'll come running home to you

Day after day

To the shelter of your love

All my life through

When all my work in the world is through

Baby you know

I'll come running home to you.

The boss is in a mood

Something about my attitude

The traffic will be hell

Wonder how I'll get through

To the end of my day

So I can come running home to you.

All I want is to run home to you.

Another Love Poem

Such a pretty word is love,

Much used by many,

The meaning searched for always,

Understood by so few.

Perhaps it takes a lifetime

And maybe even longer,

But to understand love

Is the greatest quest we know.

To know love is to have known

The lack of love.

To understand love is to admit

Complete ignorance of it first.

Profound love, once discovered

Brings deep humility

For it is so precious

One must wonder

Can I be worthy of this?

Love exists in the tiniest

Details of life

And sometimes is most easily missed

In the most desperate of searches

And yet love is all around us

Even when we do not see.

The great mystery of love

And the even greater reality

Is we are made of love

Yet we cannot see.

So I must ask myself

What do I know of love?

And my stumbling answer

must always be

I only know this,

It lives and has its meaning

In your eyes.

Kitty

If only I could grow little furry paws

or whiskers on my face

and learn to do flips in the air

or maybe to chase my tail

If only I could learn to purr

or to curl up in your hands

or to meow for only tuna and milk

or to play with a paper ball

Maybe then I would be less of a threat

to your heart and your soul

and you could be free to stroke me

as well as the cat